I have days where everything is fine and days where I can’t get out of bed. Sometimes those bad days come and have some sort of reason for happening and I can just sit on the floor and accept that today is going to be “one of those days.” But sometimes they come without reason or warning and it’s so hard to do anything. For one of my classes, my professor asks everyone before class how they are doing on a scale of 1 – 5, 5 being the best and 1 being the worst. It’s a weird comfort to see how people are all over the place but nobody is a 5. And that’s pretty fair I guess.

I really miss Arcadia. I miss my friends and being able to go outside and do stuff, I don’t like being at home. I can feel my lack of sleep catching up to me and my appetite slowly dwindling away along with my alcohol. It’s really hard to stay positive as the news is something that is always on in my apartment. I genuinely start to unravel when I hear it because it fills me with weird emotion that’s sort of sadness/confusion/hopelessness. I’m not really sure how to put it into words besides saying I hate it. I just want to go home. This isn’t home, I don’t know where this is. I went into a Weis and felt some unreal sense of dread because I don’t own a facemask yet but everyone else did. God, fuck me.

My thesis progression is slow but nearing completion. It’s tough to work on it because it means so much to me and holds so many emotions. Instead of this volatile anger that I’m throwing up onto a screen, it’s a processing of emotions. I really care for this thing. I didn’t think I could care for a video I made this much. I’m interested to see it to its end.

I’m including a song of the week with my posts.