It’s day 13 of my technical two week quarantine, and I can’t say it’s been thrilling. Erie, Pennsylvania is a beautiful city when you want to be in it; otherwise, it’s the place where dreams go to die. I want to be in Philadelphia. I want to be finishing my final semester of undergrad with the people I’ve called my family for three and a half years. I want to dress up for this year’s cotillion and get excited for senior week. I want to worry about how my hair is going to look on May 15th when I walk to receive my degree that I’ve worked so long and so hard for. But I can’t. This global pandemic is changing the way I feel about school.
I used to love learning, and I still do, but my motivation is completely gone. I feel suffocated at home. My creativity has decided to bury itself deep, deep in my brain, and refuses to emerge no matter how hard I try. Even the hobbies I’m trying to pick up, like guitar and drawing, are a struggle. I’m not doing okay.
But that’s okay. It’s okay that I’m not okay because nothing about this is okay. It’s a weird, scary Thing that is shocking and transformative. It’s not something that should be easy to digest. It sucks for everyone. It sucks so badly, and there isn’t anything we can do except wash our hands, stay distant, and wait. While we might be waiting for the apocalypse, we’re all left alone with our labyrinthine thoughts and depressed incentives. It’s hard, and it’ll stay hard. So for now, I’m trying to convince myself that doing work will make me feel better, even though it probably won’t. It might distract me, but it won’t change anything. And that’s Okay. Okay for now.