I attempted to write this blog last Friday, the 24th, and couldn’t bring myself to write more than a sentence or two. That Friday was a particularly hard day for me. Originally, that was supposed to be our thesis day. I’ve had an especially hard time processing the loss of that. I woke up that day and had a google calendar notification on my phone reminding me about thesis night. There were far too many exclamation points for me to handle, so I laid in bed for about an hour and a half just thinking. I cried a lot that day, because that’s what I do. I cried in my room. In the bathroom. The car. And even a grocery store parking lot. I think the tears came from feeling incredibly frustrated. But I’d be lying if I said that the frustration wasn’t paired with an overwhelming sadness. Once 7:00 pm rolled around I felt sort of numb; I knew that was the time that we would have all been in murphy, projects set up, taking way too many pictures, and smiling from ear to ear. I had imagined that night everyday since my freshman year. Instead, at 7:00 pm last Friday I was in aforementioned grocery store parking lot, sitting in my car.

Since that day, I’ve felt a little better. As good as I think I can be right now. Last night I actually finished my creative thesis and a bit of the excitement that I once had for thesis night kicked in. I haven’t felt super confident or proud of a project in a while and this one is something I never thought I would make but am, I think, a better person for. I’m excited to share it with the world even if it’s on a rainy Thursday night online instead of a dreamy Friday night in murphy hall. I’m also excited to continue to work on this site until the launch on May 5th, it has helped me feel productive and creative in a time where I have struggled with those two things immensely. Although this process has been frustrating and upsetting and disheartening, I’m grateful to have gone through it with the most incredible department and friends alongside me.